menus for mother’s day : no matter the chef you are

MEN. WOMEN. PEOPLE OF THE WORLD. The most IMPORTANT day of the year is coming this Sunday. Second to my birthday, Mother’s Day is so, so, so, so special, it’s not even funny. Much like my birthday, I start reminding the hubs 1.5 months prior to Mother’s Day that it’s coming up, so that can’t possibly be annoying.

Here’s the deal – I only say it’s the most important day because I’m a selfish brat AND a mom. But, subtract the me-being-a-mom aspect, and…it’s still pretty damn important. My mom has given me so much to appreciate – olive skin, premature greying, tenacity, olive skin, ability to handle liquor, zesting skills, olive skin, love of food, Henckles knives set, the list goes on. I love my mom so much, it’s disgusting. I find the older I am, the more tolerant she is of me and my neediness. Who would’ve thought the older I become, the more I will need my mom?  (Mom, if you’re reading this, I know I’m 35 and all, but can we seriously live with you, for like, a while?) I need my mom. We all need our moms. And holy shit, it makes me so sad, but for those who’ve lost their moms, I’d like to think they’re having a great time with my dad, kicking back a few beers and telling some non-heaven approved nasty, nasty jokes.

(Here’s an oldie, but a goody, & not too nasty, courtesy of my dad)
Q: Why does a dog lick his balls?
A: Because he can.

Go ahead and share that with your friends today.

We’ve all heard “Oh, I just want to be with my family on Mother’s Day” from the truly martyr-ish of all moms, but I’m gonna give it to you straight. Here’s what we want, in order:

1) Champagne. Something fancy.
2) Someone else to clean up the glob of toothpaste stuck in the sink. Does that seriously not bother ANYONE ELSE?
3) Someone else to take out the garbage, without reminding. Does that seriously not smell bad to ANYONE ELSE?
4) Someone else to see that there is no clean underwear in the drawers, but that there are piles and piles of unfolded laundry downstairs, soooo….
5) Champagne refill.
6) A moment, just a moment to read a paragraph of a shitty magazine about pop culture without being interrupted by some (non)crises.
7) A really cute card made by the kids. No really, just a card. No flowers because they wilt and smell like ass after about 6 days and then sit in the trash (the trash that ohmygod can’t you smell that?!), wilting further.
8) Someone else to take care of the food, all day. Please, just no entrance into the kitchen by me. I just want to not have to worry about you being hungry. Just.one.day.

It’s safe to say #1 and #8 are pretty important. So husbands, sons, daughters, friends, fellow moms, if you’re preparing food for Sunday, here’s a quick little guide for you – be it a full-day menu or you’re preparing just one part of a meal. Come on! If you’re unsure of what you can handle, get over it. Do something. Enjoy the day and give mom a kiss and don’t forget to refill her glass. All day.

(all these recipes can be found on my blog in the search bar)

YOU’RE PRETTY KICKASS
For the chef who knows how to peel a mango, knows what mixed greens are, AND where the Cuisinart is, knows what all the blades are used for, knows how to attach and use the Cuisinart all by self, and most importantly, knows how to wash all the pieces of the Cuisinart:

First, buy some St. Germain and a nice prosecco. Pour equal parts in a champagne glass and greet mom with it first thing in the morning. Throw in a mint sprig if you’re feeling extra on top of it. Maybe even a blueberry, too.

B: German pancakes with fresh fruit (timing is key here, so this is for someone who knows how to use, say, a kitchen timer)
L: Grilled Asian Salad on Mixed Greens
D: Pasta with Prosciutto, mint, and sugar peas AND/OR Cedar-plank grilled rubbed salmon

YOUR EFFORTS ARE SO APPRECIATED
For the chef who loves fresh asparagus and good cheese, but doesn’t know what a microplane is, how to use it, or where it’s kept in the kitchen:

First, buy some St. Germain and a nice prosecco. Pour equal parts in a champagne glass and greet mom with it first thing in the morning. Throw in a mint sprig and 3 fresh raspberries if you’re feeling extra on top of it. Three raspberries make up for that forgetting-to-unload-the-dishwasher-thing.

B: Angel food french toast
B: Two melon and cucumber mint salad
L: Cucina’s curried chicken salad
D: Tortellini in asparagus-Gorgonzola cream sauce

OK, SO WE’RE NOT ORDERING CHINESE TONIGHT?
For the chef who can’t be trusted to boil water for spaghetti, but really wants to do something nice for the mother in his/her life, so moms, please just let ‘em and smile graciously:

First, buy some St. Germain and a nice prosecco. Pour equal parts in a champagne glass and greet mom with it first thing in the morning. Throw in a mint sprig and 3 fresh raspberries if you’re feeling extra on top of it. Also make sure mommy has some gin & tonic for later in the day. You can just stop right there if you’re truly a train wreck in the kitchen, but I ENCOURAGE YOU to keep trying.

B: Bircher muesli (you seriously don’t have to cook anything. Just pour things…into a bowl. But it has to be done the night before, so plan accordingly.)
L: Shrimp and artichoke salad
L: Smoked salmon cucumber triangles
D: Pasta all Siciliana

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO YOU ALL!!